Divorce: How to Tell Your Children – A Guide for Parents
Telling your children that you are getting a divorce is one of the hardest conversations you will have as a parent. When you plan for the conversation, present a united front, and focus on reassurance and stability so that you can help your children feel safe and supported during a major change in their lives. How you handle telling your children that you are getting divorced will have a lasting impact on how your children cope emotionally and how your family functions moving forward. While you cannot remove the pain entirely, you can take steps to reduce fear, confusion, and unnecessary stress.
Prepare and Present a United Front
If possible, you and your spouse should plan this conversation together. When you present your decision as a united front, you reassure your children that both of their parents remain committed to them. Choose a calm, familiar setting, such as your home and a time when you are not in a rush. Avoid having this conversation before school, bedtime, or a major event. Your children need time and emotional space to react and ask questions.
Before you talk, agree on what you will say and how much detail you will share. Planning ahead helps you stay calm and prevents mixed messages that can confuse children.
Keep the Conversation Clear and Age-Appropriate
When you explain the decision to divorce, keep your language simple and honest. You should avoid blaming, criticizing, or sharing adult-level details. Instead, let your children know that this decision was made by the adults and that it is not their fault.
You can expect that they will have questions about what will change in their daily lives. If you already know where each parent will live or what schedules might look like, share that information in a way that matches your children’s age and maturity. If you do not have all the answers yet, it is okay to say so, just reassure them that you will keep them informed.
Reassure and Support Their Emotions
Your children may react with sadness, anger, fear, or even relief. All these emotions are normal. Let them know that it is okay to feel however they feel and that you are there to listen. Remind them regularly that both of their parents love them and will continue to care for them.
You should also expect questions to come up later. This is not a one-time conversation. Checking in regularly helps your children feel secure and supported as they adjust.
Keep Children Out of the Middle of the Divorce
One of the most important things you can do is protect your children from any conflict between you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. Avoid arguing in front of them or asking them to take sides. Your children are not responsible for fixing the situation, carrying messages to their other parent, or managing adult emotions.
When you show respect for your co-parent, you give your children permission to love both parents without guilt.
The Value of the Collaborative Divorce Process
The Collaborative Divorce process can be especially helpful for families with children. By working with a divorce team that includes your attorneys and a mental health professional, you can plan difficult conversations and decisions with your children’s best interests in mind. This divorce process focuses on communication, respect, and your family’s long-term well-being.
Telling your children about your plans to divorce is never easy, but thoughtful preparation will make a meaningful difference. When you focus on reassurance, clarity, and cooperation, you help your children move through this transition with greater confidence and emotional stability, and your family can begin the next chapter in a healthier way.
FAQs
1. Should we tell our children together or separately?
When possible, telling your children together helps to reassure them that their parents are still a team when it comes to parenting.
2. How much detail should we share about the divorce?
You should keep explanations simple and age appropriate. Avoid sharing adult conflicts or legal details that may cause confusion or anxiety.
3. What if our child reacts very emotionally?
Strong reactions are normal. Let your child express their feelings, reassure them of your love, and consider professional support if they struggle over time.
Born and raised in Connecticut, I am a “double Gator,” having received both my undergraduate and my law degree from the University of Florida. In my practice, I have worked as a Guardian ad Litem with hundreds of children in both dependency and custody cases, frequently appointed by judges. I have been honored to receive many awards and recognition's for my work as a children’s advocate. I received the Florida Bar President’s Pro Bono Service Award for 2017 for my Guardian ad Litem work, and also received the highest award given for Guardian ad Litem representation, the 2016 Judge J.C. “Jake” Stone Distinguished Service Award.
In August 2020, I was one of the first collaborative lawyers to receive accreditation by the Florida Academy of Collaborative Professionals (FACP), a designation I continue to hold today. I teach Collaborative Law as an Adjunct Law Professor at the Barry University School of Law, and serve as the Director of The Barry Collaborative Family Law Clinic. The Clinic represents modest income families with divorce and paternity through the Collaborative Process. I am a Collaborative Law trainer and speaker, and served as the Administrator and board member of The Collaborative Family Law Group of Florida from 2008-2018.
Whether working with clients in the conference room, by zoom, or in the court room, I am committed to empowering individuals and families to achieve healthier and more positive futures.
